A leopard never changes its spots
When I see videos of people interacting with wild animals, it’s always hilarious to see their shocked experience when wild animals behave like, well wild animals. I believe the same analogy of a leopard never changing its spots is applicable to people. Don’t be surprised or shocked when the people you deal with behave exactly like how they will behave.
I partake in grappling as a hobby (Brazillian jujitsu, or BJJ to be exact), and it’s a sport that requires another person in order to maximize the benefits. BJJ can be summed up as the art of making someone submit. Whether you do it through a joint lock, pinning them so they can’t move, or any other moves that restrict blood to the brain and lead to going unconscious.
You will go through many training partners, all ranging in skills and most importantly temperament. The best partners will guide you in a dance where you try to submit each other while not hurting each other. Undoubtedly, there are partners that are motivated by ego, where their goal is to win no matter the consequences. That ultimately leads to someone getting hurt and could effectively lead to someone abandoning the sport or affecting their everyday life.
When there is someone in the gym that is notoriously known for their short temperament and desire to win at any cost, this isn’t an ideal situation. It is no longer a dance where both get better. It becomes a battle where one person will one-up and the intensity only boils higher and higher. When matches become emotion-driven, the goal isn’t to just win, it’s to maim.
You would figure that with such a reputation people would just not go against such people, but we always have an optimistic thought that people can change. That isn’t the case and is rarely ever the case. It’s like expecting the leopard to not attack you when you turn your back on it. People rarely change so the only person that can change is yourself, particularly the decisions you make.
Charlie Munger has a great quote that applies to this situation:
It is remarkable how much long-term advantage people like us have gotten by trying to be consistently not stupid, instead of trying to be very intelligent.
If we can avoid making stupid decisions instead of making intelligent decisions, we can avoid a lot of the uphill battles and pitfalls. This includes dealing with people that are ego-centric, and selfish. Whatever adjectives you want to throw in there, it’s on us to make those decisions.
The same goes for avoiding people who will undoubtedly or unknowingly hurt you. The question of course is how can you know. One of the things that make us human is the ability to forgive. This allows us to forgive mistakes or mishaps and provides a chance for the other party to make it up to us.
Forgiveness is something we do daily but it varies based on the relationship we have with the other person. You forgive a friend for lying to you versus forgiving your boss for missing a few hours on your paycheck—each will require different levels of energy and emotions
You’re more likely to forgive a friend if you have a relationship with them. Of course, there is a direct correlation between emotional damage if that person does it again or if you decide to end the relationship. The deeper the relationship, the stronger the emotional damage.
The inverse can be said for if you don’t have a relationship with someone—it’ll cost nothing to end the relationship or to forgive. The question becomes when should we forgive and when should we end the relationship.
It’s a grey area that entirely depends on the situation and person. Even cost-benefit analysis will show short or long-term gains even if it’s someone you don’t want to deal with. We see this all the time in workplaces where you have to be professional and cordial to people you don’t like. That’s why it’s not always easy to not have relationships with people you don’t like or with people that repeatedly show you their true color.
Sometimes we can’t get away from them. If you were unlucky enough to be born into the wrong family, running away is an option but an unfavorable one if you’re young with no financial savings.
I do recommend spending some time thinking of all of the short and long-term consequences and benefits of dealing with people. You have to sit down and list all the bad and good with no biases. An objective look is the only way to make an accurate decision, albeit emotions will play a huge part. You don’t want to break a relationship only to find out it’ll cost you in the long term.
I experienced this firsthand in middle school when I was in chorus class with this other boy. He was short-tempered and abrasive to his classmates. It didn’t help that we were stuck for 6 months together. I made the foolish choice of sticking up to him and we got into a fight. The teacher suspended us both despite my pleas. From then on, it would create a negative environment that would lead to more fights, which led to me being suspended again. You can blame it on the teacher or the student, but I didn’t consider the consequences long term. For the short term, I made a few allies by standing up to him, but I now have a negative mark on my profile that stayed with me upon graduation.
There will be urges to end unfavorable relationships immediately, but remember that’s not objective. We usually make the worst decisions when it’s emotionally driven. Decisions that will be irreversible and damaging. If you do have to make a decision, it’s better to make micro-decisions.
An example is if you’re forced to make a decision, then ask for some time to think about it. If someone forces you to make an instant decision, it’s probably not going to end up in your favor. If someone pisses you off and they’re not leaving any time soon, excuse yourself. If you can buy time or remove yourself from a situation to think, it means you can calm yourself down and look at all of the facts before you make a decision.
In many situations, it’ll require you to prevent something from happening or to be so prepared for it, it won’t matter if it does happen. Avoidance is obviously the best answer because if you can avoid something, you won’t receive any of repercussions. But it’s also important to be prepared if it does happen, so then you can respond appropriately.
One is certain, and that’s trusting someone’s actions. Words can sound good but it’s actions that lead to motives and values. If a leopard is known to ambush, make sure you don’t go into the jungles, and if you do, have a few weapons with you.
*Check out my last article on You don’t need an opinion for everything*
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