Go See Your Friends
I remembered the best parts about school — seeing my friends every day. Whether it was enduring an hour and a half of chemistry and math, or it was running around the gym, I got to see my friends every day. It was what made school fun, and life enjoyable.
It recently dawned on me how less and less frequently I see friends now. It was once a see you every 3–6 months after college to hopefully see you once a year.
Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate still being able to see them after all these years, but it gives me true gratefulness to still see proximal friends every month if possible.
I’d imagine life would be great if we could all see our friends every day at school as adults, but sadly our time is finite. Their time is further divided by life events and family. There’s only so much pie to give around.
If I could give my past self some key advice, it would be to see your friends more.
Friendship and immigrating
One of the toughest things for parents and kids is leaving their place of origin — where friends, business, relationships, a place of belonging, culture, and more are created and established.
My parents and older siblings were affected much more than I was. To leave everything you’ve built up isn’t an easy choice, and leaving your friendships behind must be devastating.
I’ve never thought about how lonely it must be to enter a new country without any friends. Not being able to speak English is one thing, but not having someone to rely on or support is devastating for anyone.
One of my earliest memories of friendship came from a kind young boy named Danny. He was extremely popular for his athleticism, attitude, and friendly demeanor.
As someone who couldn’t speak English like me, Danny would get me involved in group activities and kept me involved. I like to think it’s because of Danny that I was able to learn English much quicker through interactions with everyone.
One of the biggest regrets was to not keep in touch when he moved away. Social media didn’t exist yet and I didn’t have the wits to ask for his address to send mail.
We’re blessed today to be able to contact our friends any time we want. I used to think that minor interactions weren’t necessary. I didn’t believe that asking how their day went was important. It was a “see you the next time I see you”. This type of thinking led to a lot of good relationships fading.
Constant maintenance
Someone told me the best friendships don’t require maintenance, and I believe that’s a dang lie. Everything worth having requires work being put into it.
You simply don’t get into great physical shape by just doing the bare essentials or not doing any work at all. There’s a concept called “use it or lose it”, in which if you don’t actively use the muscle, the brain will deem it useless and it’ll atrophy.
The truth is that you only have so much time and you can’t use it on everyone. so figuring out what are your best relationships and putting time and effort into them is even more important. Even if you don’t know, consider just spending some time with them. How else will you know if they’re great friendships if you don’t invest time and effort?
Ideally, things are reciprocal and proactive. For example, I know my friend is looking for a job in a certain field, and if I know someone, I will connect them together without them having to ask. Granted I will ask permission from the respective parties. Then they can do the same when I need help.
This cycle of helping each other and not having to feel indebted is one of the key ingredients of a great friendship. Don’t fall into the trap of doing something nice so the other person MUST do something nice back to you. Do good things for your friends and think nothing of it.
Interactions are like watering plants — no interaction and then friendship may not last. Make it a habit to connect with them. My partner has a great system of sending texts or Instagram posts of something that reminds her of them. It’s such an easy way to start a conversation and it’s a sweet gesture that she was thinking of them.
It shouldn’t be hard to find out your friend’s interest and ask them about it. Just don’t be a jerk and criticize their choices when they open up.
Study shows
On the simplest level, it’s nice to see your friends and continue to see them as adults. But for your physical and mental longevity, investing and nurturing relationships for life should be your goal.
As someone who’s getting older, the thought of loneliness hasn’t crept up. I’ve been fortunate to be able to have great friends and relationships. I’m always on the lookout for more as I continue to age.
All the happy people who are fulfilled with life exercise, read and have great relationships. The Harvard study backs it up. We’re social creatures and we need to fill those needs.
When I worked for a senior retirement home, most of their biggest regrets were not reaching out to that one person. By the time they did, they’d had passed on or moved on to another state or relationship.
One gentleman by the name of John spoke about a woman he met during military service. It was love at first sight, but he didn’t dare to leave and be with her. She eventually married someone else and died before he got to speak with her. John attended the funeral with nothing but memories and regret. He tells me he dreams of her very often, and about the days when they would just sit on a grassy hill and stare at the stars.
John was an extremely wealthy man, but he would give all of his riches just to go back in time and be with her.
“I’d rather be poor with loved one than be rich and lonely”.
John never found love but he did make some great friends at his new home. He would tell me that his best friend Bob was annoying and loud but he wouldn’t have it any other way.
To lifelong friendships and the reminder to always nurture them.
*Check out my last article on Keep Wearing Them Down*
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