If you couldn't fail, what would you do?
I had the privilege of talking to some of my more affluent friends about their upbringing—particularly how their parent’s influence affected their decision-making and thinking. Most of the answers, even self-realization, were “they encouraged me to pursue it, even if I failed” or “ I knew even I failed, I wouldn’t really be in a bad situation so why not go for it?”. They were fascinating answers because to contrast how I grew up, many things were discouraged like art and social sciences, and the stereotypical careers like doctor and lawyer were placed on a throne. It made me wonder how different my life would be if I knew you couldn’t fail or were encouraged to try regardless of the results. So down the proverbial rabbit hole, we go!
A quick history
I don’t blame my parents for thinking the way they do, which is the general thinking of most immigrant parents—work extremely hard and push your child down the doctor or lawyer path because it’s a safe and prestigious route. They placed all of their bets on their child and nothing has a better return on investment than the careers mentioned. Put yourself in your parent’s shoes—you left behind family, stability of culture and familiarity, and belongings to move to an unknown foreign land, of course, you wouldn’t want your sacrifice to be in vain. The thinking of “we’ve suffered so much, might as well get something out of it” dominates the mind. How would you feel if you’ve done all that work, and you’re no better off than when you got started? Thus, comes the extreme expectations and parental pressure placed upon your kid(s).
Now let’s take the perspective of the child— you just want to pursue what interests you, but you don’t know what that is. Your parents are breathing down your neck, and “deciding” what your future would be. If there’s one thing humans hate, it’s a lack of control. It’s now a battle of doing what you want to do versus not letting down your parents because you know of their sacrifice.
You can think of it from a couple of perspectives: 1) your parents know best and if you succeed, you’ll create generational wealth, so you do it their way. 2) your parents don’t know there are lots of ways to make money than what they know, so you try to convince them. 3) Your parents are incredibly entitled to think they can live their life for you so you completely rebel, so you cut them off. 4) You sit down to talk with your parents and get to understand each other and work together, so now it’s a team effort.
I’ve tried all of those and let me tell you about how it went.
Their way
I can’t say for others, but my parents did not know what was best for me. This isn’t their fault, they simply didn’t have time to spend with me because they were always working. They succumb to social pressures and consistently urge me to choose a route that never interested me. That’s one of the fallacies of assuming a prestigious route would be a fit—you don’t consider the opinion of the other person. Just like many others, I didn’t feel heard nor supported.
I used to think Maslow’s hierarchy of needs was a bunch of baloney until I experienced the lack of esteem and self-actualization.
I had everything else covered but it felt like I was always frustrated and lost trying to find what worked for me. I dug deep and try the medical route for a bit but quickly lost the passion for it. What excited me was working in the health, wellness, and fitness sector.
I spend hours online and reading books trying to learn as much as I could. I’m not sure if I ever achieved a flow state, but time would pass by and I still had as much energy and enthusiasm as when I first started. It was so much fun and I realized I could get paid for doing this.
Persuading parents
Have you ever tried to convince someone that was set in their ways and just end up getting more upset at the end of it? That was my experience, unfortunately. One of the saddest stereotypes about having immigrant parents is their lack of emotional empathy. One of my friends relates it to talking to a brick wall. It’s so common that I wonder if it’s a stereotype. It sounds like one of those “my parents just don’t understand me” ordeals, but I wanted to just have a conversation and understand their reasoning. I was highly disappointed anytime I heard “because we told you so” or “blank, is so successful so you should do what he/she did”. It’s so easy to be a critic.
Ironically, their parents did the same thing to them—forcing them into a career they didn’t want to do or a path they didn’t choose for themselves. When you are taught one way as the only way, you won’t know any other paths. If you add on the fact that their generation went through war and lots of cynicism then it explains their mentality of the “safe route”.
Disregarding parents
I got to this step when I realized nothing I can say or do would change their mind, so I disregarded their opinions and choose my own route. I didn’t burn any bridges but respectfully told them I’ll find success my own way. This was difficult because the constant verbal jabs of comparison and thought of “I told you so” made me reluctant to take risks, but it’s to be expected whenever you branch out and walk your own path.
My brothers gave me sage-like advice: "you should’ve done this sooner. You’re the only one that lives your life, not mom and dad”. For many, making the decision to ignore the advice of people that raised you for decades is extremely difficult.
I give this advice with the caveat of if you’re going to branch off on your own, please do so with respect and courtesy regardless of how people treated you. I have seen people let their emotions get the better of them and created enemies that have done more damage to them than necessary. I had a friend named Jimmy who told his parents that he was done with them “helicoptering”, aka always hovering and monitoring every little thing he did, that he told them to go f*#k themselves. The parents decided in their moment of rage to strip him of every single asset basically leaving him homeless and penniless. If you’re thinking “wow what terrible parents”, keep in mind that Jimmy’s parents came from an era where they lost their parents and didn’t have anyone to be a parental figure in their lives. So to make up for it, they decided to always be there for Jimmy in a more extreme way. Both parents are incredibly hard-working and loving, but the only way they saw things was everything they did was “right” and for Jimmy’s well-being. When Jimmy gave them backlash, they took it as a betrayal. It took a few years for Jimmy to get back on his feet and even longer for the relationship to mend.
On your way out, people will remember what you did and how you made them feel so for that moment, squash your ego for a bit and leave with poise and respect. It will be unbearing to do so for people that have done you wrong, but remember you’re playing the long-term game.
Team effort
To be honest, I never got this far and for many of us, this feels like a fleeting dream. I couldn’t imagine changing my stubborn parent’s minds. We both don’t have the patience nor the adequate language capabilities to do so. It was frustrating to reason why most parents wouldn’t want to see their child happy. For immigrant parents, they had to go through so much crap, jump through hoops, and endure what seems to be an eternal process via paperwork to get to a new place so their children could have a better life, and when there’s a chance for their children to do so, they shut it down.
The ego always plays a big role, especially not wanting to look wrong. Every single one of us wants to look good in front of others and being wrong deters that. For some, being wrong means we’ve failed as a person, influencer, or parent. That’s why we’ll anchor down on our opinions and mindset and valiantly fight all the way to the end. Just to prove a point that we are indeed “correct”. That’s why whenever I hear “I just want what’s best for you”, it’s usually full of baloney because that mere sentence starts with “I”. If you were truly curious, you’d just ask “What’s best for you?”, then let the other person answer.
That’s one of the reasons why I never got to the team effort part, I felt I knew everything and my parents didn’t. I wanted to be an adult and make my own decisions. The ability to earnestly listen to someone is a hard skill to learn since we mostly want the other person to stop talking so we can give our input. But team effort is doable, it just takes a lot of work.
We’ll revisit the story of my friends and learn that failing would be fine for them. Some more digging unraveled the talk they had with their parents. It started with a little bit of vulnerability, defining their goal, and sincerely asking for help.
The conversation went something like this:
Mom, dad… I need to tell you something important regarding what I want to do in life. This is really tough to do but you two are someone I trust with all of my heart and I really need your help. I want to be xyz and in order to do I need to do abc. It’ll be really difficult but I really need your support in order to accomplish this. I might fail, in fact, the chances are high that I may, but I hope you can have my back and go all in with me.
There’s a lot to unpack but let me give you more insight into this simple conversation. I must add that it takes a lot of factors to even get this far. Does your child trust you enough to bring this up? Do they expect you to be open-minded to other things before this conversation? Do both parties trust each other? there are many questions to ask and items to check off, but when an opportunity like this arises, you can make or break a relationship. My friend has thought about this conversation and has detailed what is it he wants and how he will get it. He also makes sure to define what it is he needs from his parents i.e. their support and agreement that they’ll do it together. It’s also rare that your child will approach you with a proposal on how the steps that’ll take for their future so he makes sure to connect with the parent’s emotional appeal. This is serious and I hope you take it seriously as well vibe.
I’m leaving out a bunch more information like the parent’s response, but this is common in all of my most trusted relationships—the tough conversation to get from point a to point b and how we can do it together. Every time I get over a hurdle, it will feel like the other person has as well. That’s why the prerequisite of getting to team effort is rarely ever reached.
Failing forward
Don’t think you’ll go through all the stages in a linear order, you’ll jump around. For some of us without a parental figure, we’ll have to ask ourselves the same questions and come up with a plan of how we’ll accomplish our goals. What needs to happen and how will it happen?
Ultimately, regardless if you’re listening, disregarding, persuading, or working with your parents, we should make decisions that allow us to learn. Whether you fail or not, progress has to be forward. One of the drawbacks of going through those stages is the result of having to wait for another party before you can make your decision. Better use of that time is to use it taking action and accumulating experience for you to make even better decisions next time.
We have to develop a mindset of thinking about the possibilities of not failing and work towards those goals. Some strategizing is needed but it’s often much better to go on the offensive instead of waiting for the best time. This is especially true when you’re trying to time and wait when you’re stable and in the right mindset. That rarely comes, unfortunately. By thinking progressively, we open ourselves up to opportunities and increase our chances of taking beneficial risks. Better yet, it gives us direction and purpose instead of the feeling of being lost.
Since we only get to enjoy so little time left on this planet, let’s start thinking about the things we can achieve if we couldn’t fail, and see where that takes us.
Until next week,
Scott
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