Productive arguments
How many times have we entered a conversation seeking to solve a problem and leave more frustrated and angry? The other person might not see the problem the way you do or their solution doesn’t address the fundamental need you’re looking for.
You think to yourself, if only this person could see the obvious answer in front of them, we wouldn’t need to have this argument. Worse, spend time in this pointless argument. I believe we’ve all had a chance to experience conversations that turn into pointless arguments that are a collection of yelling, high emotions, and unresolved issues.
The ultimate team win is a productive argument—where both sides understand each other’s perspective and have a mutual understanding and answer for the problem. It’s not enough to have an answer but to show that both parties understand what caused the problem while showing each other that I heard you and I understand you.
Why the answer isn’t enough
It always annoyed me in math class when the teacher said to show your work. I was able to do the calculation in my head and got the same answer as everyone else. I didn’t understand at the time that my teacher wanted to see if we understood how to get to the answer by writing it down step by step. She assumed that if you didn’t write it down and show her how you got there, you didn’t fully understand it.
It feels the same when we have an argument with someone and we just skip straight to the solution. After all, it feels logical to quickly solve something that’s bothering you. But people are more complex creatures than that and need you to show that you also understand their perspective.
Affirmation is something that is ingrained in us—especially as children. The approval of another person is still important for us. It validates that what we’re doing is correct or is worth doing. You see this example throughout all ages of life: kids making sure their parents are watching do something to get cheers, adults buying stuff so others can see how cool they are, we can’t escape it.
You can also hypothesize that almost every decision we make is based on copying another or receiving some type of status from others if we do certain actions. In many cases, it’s common to hear how people just want to feel “heard” in these arguments.
Let people know
Perhaps your friends or partner doesn’t need to be heard and you can proceed straight to the solution. But we’re not all that lucky. People want to see if you understand them first and then you can solve the problem.
It’s a checkpoint that is a requirement for a productive argument. An easy way is to summarize what they’ve said and confirm that it’s correct. If they say yes, then we can move on. If not, then you have them explain and repeat this step again.
It might feel excessive but if you can list what their concerns are, you’ve shown them that you’re actively listening and care about what they have to say.
How often do we get the urge to listen to respond instead of listening to understand? It’s almost an impulse to do so because you want to get your point across. That’s precisely why it’s a trap, you have to get your point across so disregard other people’s.
If you feel that someone is genuinely there to listen to your concerns and now understands them, wouldn’t you feel more obligated to solve the problem?
It reminds me of a time when I went to the store to get shave ice and they got my order wrong. I asked if we could get the correct order and that we could wait, but instead, they offered a refund. It somehow annoyed me because it wasn’t something I asked for. They weren’t listening and went straight to what they thought was the answer. I left the store confused and frustrated wondering why they simply didn’t make our order, the answer was so easy and clear.
Not so easy or clear
If you’ve ever been frustrated or confused about why a problem is still occurring despite the answer being so simple, it’s probably not as easy or as clear as you think.
That’s what makes productive arguments hard to have—clarity of the situation isn’t obvious. I believe that there are a few obstacles that stand in the way of clarity: ego, short-term thinking, and effort.
It isn’t a coincidence that when we enter an emotional state, our ego also comes along for the ride. The feeling of not wanting to be wrong or disrespected gets amplified. It no longer becomes a situation where the stakes are low and the solution is to work together, it becomes all about you.
When you make it all about yourself, the tunnel vision incapacitates your ability to make correct decisions. You enter a preservation or survival mode. You’ll do and say anything to save your pride, often at the other person’s expense.
I remember an interaction at a playground where two kids collided and one started to cry. The parents came running and one of the parents overreacted and told the other parent to tell her kid to be careful. The other parent reacted strongly, and soon they were in a full-blown argument. While they were arguing, the two kids were fine and ran around as usual.
They didn’t stop to consider that the kids were fine and that it was just an accident. Egos took over and it became bigger than it needed to be.
Short-thinking happens when we want immediate results, forgoing the long term. It’s like that short boost of energy you get—it feels great and there’s no need to wait for it. Unfortunately, wanting immediate results often sacrifices better outcomes in the future.
Those who want to solve the problem immediately forget that most people want to be understood first. But since they’re so focused on the result—mostly to just end the fight, there is now a disconnect on how the other person feels. People want to be heard and understood, and then we can get to the solution. Ignoring this prolongs the problem.
Effort is surprisingly a big factor as it determines your ability to continue through a problem. When a situation gets tough, don’t be surprised by people’s ability to give up or walk away. Having the ability to put in effort and stick with it allows you enough time to understand what the other person needs so you can both solve the problem together.
Keep it simple
If you could find a way to get to the understanding section, you’d end up having a productive argument. In a twisted paradox, you take more time getting there, but also save a lot of time by getting there. Trade in sometime now for time later.
Remember that you both want the same thing, but there are many things that get in the way like our ego or our short thinking. The sooner both parties get to this conclusion, arguments can be pretty simple.
Many things can be simple but not productive. You can also be productive but not have it simple. Our goal is to blend both and you’ll find out the beauty of it when you do.
*Check out my last article on It’s hard to let go of your identity*
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