Can I be real with you?
I was thinking about what makes a good friend—loyalty, fondness, positive mentality, resiliency, etc. I think all of those things are needed. But I think that’s the wrong question to ask. I looked deeper and thought about all of the best relationships in my life and one common theme was that there was always a mutual understanding to be real with one another.
We’ve all heard that phrase of keeping it real but to say it and to do it is a whole different animal. Some people will say they keep it real but are afraid to criticize your crappy work. They’ll tell you that the outfit looks great on you or the person you’re chasing is worth it.
I get it, they don’t want to hurt your feelings. They see you put in hours of work and effort towards something, and nobody wants to be that person to tell them that they need to pivot or to let the losses go. That’s when real friends can deliver the harsh truth to prevent even more losses.
Effort towards the wrong thing is ultimately a bad move.
Even outside of friendship, would it be more beneficial to be real even to the people you don’t know or for acquaintances?
The A-hole line
I had a friend, Joe, who was very proud of the fact that no matter what happened or who it was, it would keep it real and speak the truth. This mentality led to many trips to the principal’s office and fights.
He didn’t understand at the time that people’s threshold for truth varies and changes, and the same application of “facts” doesn’t always hold well. He would tell me how a classmate would ask for his opinion on their paper and he would shred it to pieces. He reasoned that they shouldn’t come to him for compliments, and his critiques would only make them better.
His points were valid but the way he delivered them made the person feel terrible.
Granted, learning how to navigate and give criticism in a flexible way that allows the other person to save face and improve is an art that only a few have mastered.
For many people, the A-hole line is easily crossed if they’re easily offended. I’ve learned that generally, people will only accept help and critique if you don’t rub it in their faces.
It would be ideal if everyone’s A-hole line didn’t exist and we could speak to each other truthfully without fearing hurting each other’s feelings. I would prefer it that way than my friends sugarcoating anything. My goals are to improve and get better and this is the quickest way for me to know to understand that.
Another alternative is to continuously raise the threshold or the line so you won’t get offended every time.
I had a supervisor who would always tell us there’s always something to learn from someone no matter who they are. She showed this in full effect when she was talking to some homeless people and shared with us how they stayed clean without the use of soap. It was a mixture of baking soda and water. Even dishwashing liquid would work and it would last longer since they didn’t need to use that much at all.
I’m a big believer in putting yourself in a position to learn something that might change your life. It might not be now or in 10 years, but do it enough and it will make a difference.
Not too many doors will open if you’re brash to get upset and disregard the advice or opinion given to you. By building resiliency, the worst that can happen is to listen, thank them for their words, and walk away.
Not letting your emotions control you is a superpower by itself.
Ask about the why
Let’s say we still don’t agree with what they’ve said, it’s still worthwhile to dig a bit deeper and ask why they thought that way. By asking about the details, you can see if someone is full of crap or if they know what they’re talking about.
People with no skin in the game will give general advice but won’t be able to go into details of it. They haven’t thought about it and are just spewing what they heard someone else say.
This is a trap I catch myself in—often spewing information I’ve listened to on podcasts. It’s easy to regurgitate information that sounds good to you, and then easier to double down on it.
In order for us to get down to the truth, we must have it in us to ask why even if we are wrong. Even more, if we feel like we are offended. Give someone the chance to explain their thoughts and reasoning. Then do your best to not let any biases affect your thinking and decision-making.
When you ask someone why they think about something, I personally feel it’s a way to invite them into a contract of trust. I trust you to explain how you think and you trust me to listen to what you have to say. If it goes well, trust goes up and both parties don’t have to feel insecure about what to say or think, they can simply work on the “solution” together.
That’s one of my favorite relationships, where two parties can just focus on the important stuff and have absolute freedom to express their opinion and then be given the chance to explain themselves. If it’s inconclusive, let’s figure out the solution together.
That’s how Joe and I operate whenever we have discussions. But Joe hasn’t realized that the contract of trust can be easily broken at any time and moment. Most of the time, the contract of trust isn’t established, and they’ll just go straight to yelling and fighting.
I’m still trying to figure out more about why people don’t try to listen to each other. You can learn so much from each other. But it takes trust, and it’s natural to not have that trust from the get-go. Having a low A-hole line ensures someone will get offended and won’t hear the other person out.
To an extent
I don’t think it’s realistic to be completely honest with each other. I’d imagine it’ll be annoying to have to deal with the many variables that come with people and emotions.
I still believe we can be completely transparent in certain domains, but the key ingredient is to be more curious than anything. Rebuttals are fine, but when they’re coupled with the intention to make the other person feel bad or raise your own status, then we are simply stroking our ego and not trying to learn.
We have to make the most important thing the focus, and it starts with setting a culture and expectations. I let people in my life know that they need to tell me the absolute truth so I am able to be better. What’s also important is to reinforce those beliefs with action so they are able to see that I’m not full of crap.
I’m also constantly trying to remind myself that everyone has different thresholds and that we need to talk about what they can and can’t handle. We can still be real with each other and be respectful at the same time. That’s what builds the contract of trust. We start somewhere and we keep building.
Joe might never learn this lesson, but I have to admit that when talking to him or people in his circle, it’s quite liberating. The world might not be ready for that but it’s something worth striving for.
*Check out my last article on Lessons from 2023*
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