It's not that bad
If you follow stoic philosophy or stoic Instagram pages, you’d be familiar with the term Memento Mori, “remember you will die”. When I first came across that line, I’d thought how depressing. Here I am as a young adult, doing everything I can to make life more worthwhile: volunteering, trying different jobs, build my resume, and putting myself out there for recognition. It was incredibly monotonous and draining. It was the “rat race” that everyone kept speaking about. I felt the burnout that so many others did. But when I look back, it was just a small blip in my life and I’m always thankful I went through it. It’s a reminder that, whatever I’m going through, no matter how good or bad, it’s just temporary and that I should appreciate it all.
You only have one life
Perhaps I was influenced by older people always telling me about their regrets or they would change things if they had another chance. When asked why they can’t pursue it now, I’m only given the answer of “it’s too late”, or “it’s too difficult at my age”. I willing to bet it’s the same answer they gave themselves when they were growing up. In the short-term view of things, it feels like you’re wasting your time and the progress you make is miniscule.
Understandably, I see why people give up on the “grind” because it was challenging, or it wasn’t producing the results they wanted. Unless a quick sugar rush you get from a candy bar, the things worth achieving in life isn’t as immediate as we want. The expectations and the reality do not coincide. It was a cruel lesson to learn that hard work doesn’t mean success all the time. Just because you make sacrifices, it doesn’t mean you’ll make any progress. You’ll just have to start all over again.
I understood too late that it was not only appropriate to fail, but necessary. The lessons of humility and perseverance are taught over and over again each time. These necessary lessons teach us that without hard work, you have a zero chance of succeeding. It forces us to innovate if we want a different result. It forces change which gives us an opportunity to better ourselves and our outlook.
Mostly, I wanted to look back when I’m older and be satisfied with all of the decisions I’ve made. That’s why doing long hours, crappy internships and jobs, and tiring networking events were justified for when I would be successful. That seems to be an enduring and active theme for many people—enduring lots of crap that feels important so that we may potentially reach our goals and be satisfied with it when we are older.
Worth the stress
Mostly I see regrets and the occasional “hard work pays off”. But it seems for the people that choose this route, all will tell you that the trivial stuff was important and looking back, none of it was really that important as they painted it out to be.
I had a cousin that failed to into his medical school and fell into a deep depression. He was the first born and all the family chips were placed on him to change an entire generation. In fact, the family took on more jobs and debt so he could interview and get all the resources he needed. By failing, no only did he failed himself, but the hopes and dreams of an entire lineage.
That may sound dramatic, but that’s how he told it felt. He did what other students that failed to get in do, get more experienced and tried again the next year. He got in the following year, but what was more important than the relief was the feeling of overcoming failure. Sure, acceptance into medical school made him happy, but the feeling of finishing what you started and rising from rock bottom gave him a sensation of bliss and joy that couldn’t be explained.
When looking back, he didn’t know why he was stressing so much because it didn’t seem to matter now. Granted, I think we all feel like that AFTER we’ve accomplished something. It’s a lot easier to think clearly when you’re not in dumps and flabbergasted on how to climb over such a hurdle. I remembered preparing for my SATs and thinking how this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. If I were to fail, it would be the end of me. But it couldn’t be further from the truth looking back.
A few days after getting into college, I found there was an alternative route I could’ve taken. It was a cohort for students that didn’t have the test scores to attend, granted they took more classes than the regular student, but it gave the students a chance to make life-long friends and relationships. It’s no coincidence that your bond deepens as you go through something together—the tougher the deeper the bond. That’s why you see fraternity and their pledge’s loyalty towards each other. You’ll see it with each class of Navy Seals as well. They’ll do anything for each other.
It was a short step back if you went through the cohort, but a long-term gain in terms of the relationships you’ve built. I learned I could still join the cohort, but I would be labeled as someone who couldn’t get in the normal way. My ego got the best of me because I refused to let other know I was part of a program that took in “less qualified students”. This didn’t make sense because I’ve already got in the “normal” way, but other people’s perception would sway me.
This ridiculous justification prevented me from making life-long friends. In fact, many decisions that felt embarrassing or “lower-status” moves would become regrets of mine looking back. In high school, I had the option of skipping calculus and use it to take a class of my own choosing, or a free period. It could’ve been used to learn about how to fix cars, internships, volunteer, etc. Instead, I saw most of my friends go to calculus and didn’t want to get “left behind”, so I took it with them. I do not use any calculus to this day.
Decision making
Now this has become a question I’ve asked before I make any decision—” will this be another decision I look back and say that wasn’t so bad?”. This is to ensure I don’t favor short-term gains over long-term. To make sure I’m not tunneled vision by the immediate pressures and influence and to force me to step back and think clearly.
This question has helped me avoid making decisions that would negatively affect my life as well. I had suffered a serious back injury that put me out for half a year, and once I recovered, the insatiable appetite to get back to where I was reigned supreme. I pushed myself to the state of how my body was before I got injured. I had to ask myself would another serious injury that would set me back another 6 months be “not so bad”. It was a no brainer to slow down and do the physical therapy/ rest I needed.
Friends and family know that I won’t ever take a bite of dessert or ice cream unless it was a special occasion. It’s not that I have indomitable willpower. I actually love dessert and ice cream, but even as I’m craving it, not eating it has always proven to be not that bad. I could live without enjoying a few bites.
Decision making is tough, especially if they’re critical ones that will affect your life and those around you. They’re decisions that you look back and say whether it wasn’t that bad, or it was really bad. As I get older, I’ve come to realize we want to make tough decisions that end up being not that bad. The more of those we have, the better the quality our lives will be. If it’s a short delay or dessert, to a long-term and stress filled situation for medical school, asking those questions is a keyway to go.
Until next week!
Scott
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