When I was going through business school, we would always hear “who you surround yourself with is important. That’s why it’s important to get mentors that could guide and support you…”. Then it became a hunger game-esque dogfight for the best professors. The drive to be well connected superseded what you can learn from that person. I found myself exhausted battling to get in the inner circle.
It wasn’t until I realized that there were other ways to have a mentor or mentors: myself and selective people on the internet.
Yourself?!
I just want to be clear that I sought out mentors in addition with using my two resources above. I’m saying that we often forget to use ourselves as a valuable resource and underestimate what the internet can do for us. So regardless if you don’t have the opportunity to attend a prestigious school or have the ability to connect to others, there are still ways to get mentors. Just as there’s multiple ways to make money, there are multiple ways to find influential figures in your life.
I believe one should start with themselves as one of the first mentors— an ideal version of oneself. Define what “ideal” is to your circumstance and start asking questions. For example, you may do thought experiments and ask yourself what would a wise, mature, and experience version of yourself do. Then through a form of self-talk or self-exploration, you could find an answer or a step to start with. I find this thought experiment helpful since it allows you to detach from the situation and forces you to ponder the “What ifs”, “then what”, “But..”, “why”, and so on. It turns out that we hold more answers then we realize.
One thing I find myself doing when asking myself questions is researching the answer when I’m stuck. A smart and reasonable “me” would do that so current me will do as well. Even if I fail, I simply go back and analyze what went wrong, and go back to asking myself some more questions: “Now that I’ve learned what I’ve learned, what do I do next? What would the smart me do next?” and it goes on and on. I’ve discovered that if you turn this into habit, you developed a few valuable skills: problem solving, how to think, proactiveness, confidence, and much more.
The hard part is when we are consumed in the problem or situation so much that we can’t get a bird-eye’s view. It’s very hard to think when you’re in the muck of it all. That’s why mentors are so valuable — they see it from another perspective and it’s often very clear and not hazy like ours. If we stop and start questioning ourselves, it’s like we put a bubble around ourselves and things begin to unravel. I call it being in the eye of the storm, you’re still in trouble, but things are calm and that gives you time to think and make decisions. Asking yourself questions doesn’t make the problem go away, just as having great mentors doesn’t guarantee success. We still need to put in the work and be adamant with our decision.
And other people you don’t know?
One the great things about talking to yourself or mentors is the proximity of it all. You’re able to see them and have a conversation. But what if you don’t have that luxury? Luckily the internet is able to connect us together more than ever albeit good or bad (depending on your perspective). For myself, some of the best mentors I’ve had are from people that I’ve never met nor will ever.
Who you choose to follow and listen to is vital as their thinking will eventually turn into yours. If you choose a group of like-minded people, then you will think and act like them. Whether this group has a distain for other groups, or if their view on the world is to bend and mend things to their liking, then bad news is that you will eventually do the same. If you choose a diverse group of people, regardless of gender, politics, race, etc., then you open yourself up to get a little bit of everything. In my opinion, it’s best to see the best and worst of the world— opinions that conflict with your viewpoints and even challenge your values. If you just follow people that you agree with, you will never understand 50 percent of everyone else. I’d be a fool to miss out on all that knowledge.
The one thing I’d recommend if you’re taking this route is making sure you battle test any theory, value, suggestion, or recommendation your “influencer” is telling you. For example, Jocko Willink often talks about extreme ownership and how it’s better to take responsibility for everything. 1By doing so, you’re able to stop blaming external forces and start fixing the relationship/problem/etc. I was skeptical since admitting you’re wrong means you messed up—that you’re at fault. This gives leeway for people to blame things on you and adds to your “dump-fire” of a situation. At first, I felt embarrassed and shameful for taking ownership of things that weren’t directly my fault. It was other people that make the direct action that caused the problem. It wasn’t until I realized that even though they made the action, it was me that didn’t prepared them well enough. It was my fault that I didn’t provide the necessary support or have contingency plan in case something like this happened. I failed as a leader. Funny thing is that when I accepted the blame and didn’t point any fingers, my relationship with my boss and coworkers became stronger. They trusted me more despite my failures.
Even though it was just one example, I still recommend to keep testing their influencers’ principles until it holds true. Reject what doesn’t work and keep what works.
Have both but don’t rely on one
In this technology advanced world, we will always have an opportunity to learn from another. In might be that the people around you aren’t the best mentors for you, and you may be forced to go online. I’d say take both paths of the in-person and online mentors. Don’t limit yourself to just one path, and don’t be over reliant on one over the other.
Keep expanding your network and your skillset. Most importantly, thank your mentors and find ways to add value to them. Time is easily the most precious commodity and these people are giving it to you. Of course, with online videos they are scalable, but gratitude and appreciation goes a long way.
Even if you don’t have anyone, remember that you’ll still have yourself for answers.
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For more information on his book: Extreme Ownership